


New Female Recruit

by MaggotMagnet



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: C-cup titties, F/M, Hot guys, Hot military guys, M/M, OC, Satire, Tenth class, Violence cuz its TF2 XD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 21:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2124633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggotMagnet/pseuds/MaggotMagnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s a new member on the team, but how will she find her place with the men?! After all, she's FEMALE!<br/>(I suck at summaries lol.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Female Recruit

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not meant to ridicule any certain writer/story, but it's entirely based on things I've seen around here.  
> Enjoy!

Everybody knows that the only thing men ever want is sex, especially if they are on a battlefield and in a secluded building with nine other men. This is why, as usual, the RED team was gathered around the kitchen table talking about having steamy intercourse with women.

"I sure do want some vagina," Sniper said. He made a fist and licked the creases between his fingers.

“YEaaaah, vagina,” agreed Soldier.

“No, what matters is falling in love,” sighed Medic, which shows that he will not be getting laid in this story.

And while they were all shouting and drinking beer and having distinct character traits, it was too bad that author of this story didn’t like to imagine Scout as a person and instead wrote him as a one-sided whiner every time he spoke.

So Scout was slamming his head repeatedly against a metal wall and saying, "Why don't we ever even have any pussies around here fellas I mean seriously you know what, I hate all of you, just screw everything in the whole world, you cheesecakes. I WANT FEMALES!!!”

"Shut up Scout you virgin," Spy snapped in a manner similar to a crisp French biscuit snapping between your teeth. Not that you’d understand that metaphor, of course. You aren’t rich and French and possibly a Spy. (Or are you?)

Speaking of spies, _then_ someone made some kind of allusion to Meet The Spy that involved pornography starring BLU Scout’s mother! This gave me an opportunity to incorporate a hilarious TF2 joke! Except before that, I made Engy say something canon, because I watched the trailers as inspiration just now.

“I solve practical problems,” said Engineer.

"Hhahahaha. But guess what Scout? I _steel_ have zhose sexy photos," danced Heavy. That’s right, he _danced_  his words out. He danced his words out like the YMCA. But for the word 'steel', he had to get a fucking steel bar and slam it on everyone's face until they got used to how this author portrays Russian accents.

Engineer shrugged so hard his shoulders dislocated. "HEY! L-l-let’s not talk about s-sexy photos. Especially sexy photos of women. Since y’know...Ah’m  _ **married.**_  See ya later fellas, gotta run.” He sped off to his room to check if dislocated shoulders can still masturbate. Then he masturbated while screaming canon quotes so loudly that the entire tri-state area thought war sirens were going on.

Back to the actual _important_  characters. Soldier was humping the table so hard his dickbone cracked repeatedly. "EVERYBODY QUICK LET'S FUCK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I remembered Medic was on the team so he leaned close to his big Russian crush and cooed, "Oh, _I_  don't want to fuck something. Not anything at all. Except Heavy!” He slapped a hand over his mouth and gasped. “OH SHITTTT DID I JUST SAY ZHAT!?!?!? OMG!!!”

“Wow you are such a QUEER!” screamed Scout. “I mean, I’m a boy, right? This is stuff boys say, right? Right.”

Medic melted into a puddle. “I am so emasculated now zhat everyone knows I want to tap zhat sexy fettenarse.  _How embarrazzzing!_  Ha ha ha ha ha AH AH AHA HA AH AH HOO HOO BIRD NOISES btw i have an accent."

Heavy looked around the room repeatedly, because he was obviously so slow that he didn't understand anything during team conversations! He doesn't have a PhD in Russian literature, either, because then I have to write him as if he's actually a person and I'm not about that life! “What’s going on and what Medic just say? Heavy is confused.” 

_(Heavy is my favorite character, but I have to sacrifice him to be a total dolt in this story for the sake of satire. Please forgive me, Heavy.)_

People laughed at how confused and fat and not-PhD-material Heavy _clearly_ was!!! Then suddenly Pyro ran into the room and showed everyone his/her/its amazing crayon drawing of people on fire. “Hudda hudda mph mph mmr mmr!” he/she/it said.

“That is a very good picture,” said someone. I have a few options of who could say that to Pyro but since that phrase is OOC on everybody I resent choosing.

Pyro said thanks to whoever and then left to stay at his/her/its children's day care center.

Meanwhile Soldier humped the table a last time and splooged in his pants. "Aaaaaaaaaah,” he sighed.

"Oh gross, male orgasms," said Spy. Then he noticed you smirking and gasped at you directly through the computer screen. "Hey! I see you zhere, assuming I want zhe  _d_. Well, you are wrong. Not all Frenchmen are gay or bisexual. Well, not in zhese types of stories, anyway." Spy closed his eyes and sucked handsomely on his cigarette. He moaned heterosexually. To you. By the way, where is Sniper, Spy’s non-lover? He said six words in the beginning of the story and has been silent ever since. Maybe he’s really getting into those finger-creases. Ha ha.

DING DONGGIDY DING-A-DONG

"It's the doorbell, ya dense nugget," said Scout in case you don't know your onomatopoeias.

DING DONG AGAIN

I can't decide which character should open the door, so how about it wasn't locked? So the person ringing the doorbell just walked in casually...into a top secret mercenary base. I'm not revealing who it is though! It's a surprise. Even though it really shouldn’t be. Because everything in this story literally lead up to this stupid girl’s entrance.

"H-h-h-h-...hey...I'm sorta nuh-nuh-nuh-nerv'us b-but...I'm the _ **tenth class**_...cause I got kicked ass-first out of my house by my Evil Stepmother and walked to New Mexico. I'm technically homeless." She combed her blonde strawberry-golden-fruit-mango bangs back behind her tiny virgin ears and poot her suitcase on the floor beside her Uggs and polka dot jeggings. "I'm from Oklahoma or some other place that none of you are geographically accustomed to."

Let’s paraphrase the REDs’ reactions, because speaker tags and characterization are for chumps, yo. This is how it went down:

A girl! What the fuck? Wow! Oh my god! No way! Are you kidding me? A tenth class? No fair! What? That’s insane! Some people actually have vaginas!? And the Mann brothers suddenly decided to withdraw the agreement they have stuck to for centuries!? Wow!

Anyways they introduced themselves and waved and showed her around and she was all innocent and funny and tumblr-esque. Her voice was like smooth silk and she had chocolate marshmallow eyeballs. Then immediately after showing her her bedroom (lol repetition) a few mercs proceeded to sexually harass her right then-and-there in front of her doorframe. Only the hot ones, though. Don’t worry.

“Hey wait a minute there Shelia,” said Sniper as he leaned in to make out with her. “Aren’t you gonna say good night.”

“But it’s like 2 o’clock in the afternoon,” she said giggling innocently.

Shoving Sniper out of the way, Spy leaned towards the girl and began pouring hot creamy chocolate syrup over his expensive suit. “Petit chou-fleur,” he purred, licking his lips heterosexually.

“Sorry Spy you’re not as hot as Sniper,” she admitted. On that thought, Sniper shoved Spy out of the way so he could continue sexually harassing her without any prior consent, and she was fine with it. Yeah. Totally. Totes magotes.

The next day she was harassed by Scout, who is obviously the second most attractive.

Then Spy, who is third most attractive.

And so on and so forth.

You get it.

_Timeskip to one week later:_

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET MYSELF BE SEXUALLY HARASSED OVER FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK!!" cried The Girl Who Is Named After A Spy Gun. “By the way, Scout, what’s ur number? Lol. Call me.”

When she gave birth, she had all of the team’s DNA mixed up in there so the baby had, like, the craziest accent ever.

* * *

 

_**ALTERNATE ENDING** _

Miss Pauling said to them as The Girl Who Is NOT Named After A Spy Gun walked in, "This is the tenth class. She is a girl. I am also a girl, by the way. See you guys later." Then Miss Pauling took a few steps backwards until she disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. And nobody even acknowledged her, said hi, or gave a crap. Not even Soldier!

(Author’s Note: We are not acknowledging the fact that Miss Pauling is a pretty, smart, sexy, cute, and generally awesome person that anybody would totally hook up with if they were a merc. Also, Scout/Miss Pauling is NOT canon, because when they had those “moments” in Expiration Date that was just...uh...friendship stuff, you know? It’s not a thing. Yeah.)

"Hey you fucking idiots what da hell is wrong with you, I talk just like Scout,  _jeez_ ," said The Girl Who Is NOT Named After A Spy Gun, kicking over the breakfast table causing oatmeal and glass shards to fly everywhere. "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A GIRL BEING ON A FUCKING TEAM YOU BIGOTS NOW LET ME KILL PEOPLE!"

Offstage, somebody handed Soldier the same script they always give him whenever someone new joins the team. He cleared his throat and then read aloud; "MAGGOT MAGGOT MAGGOT! YOU CANNOT FIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE A PERSONAL VENGEANCE AGAINST YOUR D.S.A.B.! PRIVATE! MAGGOT! MAGGOT PRIVATES! WORM GENITALS!"

"Yes I CAN TOO FIGHT! I am so SARCASTIC!!!" She yelled. So, grammatically, she yelled after she spoke. She finished her sentence, waited a moment, then stood in the middle of the floor and screamed.

"By the way my name is Rachel," she said once she was done screaming. "Don't CALL me THAT! Call me freakin Baseball Girl, I don’t give a shit. Actually hey can somebody give me a cool nickname?"

“Can I call you Rach?” asked somebody. Probably Scout.

“Whatever makes you happy jeez,” she snapped.

After a few minutes of AWKWARD silence, Medic asked, “So where are you from Rach?” But he pronounced it ‘rack’ because he’s German, ha ah ha ha! Foreigners.

“I got zapped here from my laptop while playing TF2,  _obviously_ ,” she replied.

In terms of location, she was from a very general place in America. Like...uh...Lacon, Illinois! (Also, she was from our time, so technically she just went over 20 years into the past, but she didn’t give a shit at ALL.)

Then the narrative described in detail how exactly she viewed the mercenaries, basically regurgitating canon again.

So she got introduced to all the mercs! Sniper was quiet and drank coffee. Heavy was a big strong Russian guy, sort of scary. Medic was a doctor but she did not trust  _him_ because he didn't even have a Medical License, Lol!!! Scout was annoying but...sort of okay, she could deal with him maybe. Pyro was a weird “thing” in a mask. Engineer was a father figure from Texas and he called her Doll sometimes! Spy was French and smoked too much!! And Soldier was a creepy veteran who smelled like beef jerky and nutsack!!!

“Hi let’s give you an examination,” said Medic reaching out a non-bloody glove to her. “Suddenly, I am not in zhe mood to slice people’s stomachs open and instead I am just going to give you a regular doctor’s checkup. As if I wasn’t OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND.”

They went to something called a Medical Bay, which sounds like a beach full of Medics in those 1800s singlet swimsuits, you know? They're all sprawled out on the sand, playing with beach balls and splashing around and doing their oo-HOO-HOO laughs. Just imagine that. That would make one hell of a postcard. “Wish you were here”.

She sat on the surgery table in the Medical Bay and the metal felt cold on her pale white thighs. “Uggggh let’s get this over with,” she griped two seconds later.

“So how tall are you and shit like zhat?” said Medic, pulling out a clipboard.

“Uhhhhh I’m not sure,  _jeez_ ,” she said. “Something like 5 feet and 4.35 inches and I weigh 112.3 pounds. Just like the author. Except taller. And if this story gets sexual, I have a C-cup.”

Medic wasn’t listening, though. He was busy doodling little round bulby sketches that may or may not have been how he imagines Heavy’s penis to look like. “I hate zhis fucking job!” he said cheerfully. “Okay...take off your shirt. I must do your cardiovascu—”

“OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING _PERV!_ ” she yelled, punching Medic so hard he screamed and crashed out the window. He fell three stories down and promptly died.

She stomped back to the kitchen, puffing angrily through her nostrils like a bull or something.

“Why are you back so fast? Are you angry? Did Medic sexually assault you yet? Will I sexually assault you? Where are my military words and caps lock? Am I just a plot device?” asked Soldier.

“I took care of that creep,” she growled, sounding epic and cool. Then she raised up her knuckles, on which she had written  _Thug Life_  in neon orange highlighter.

At her epic cool boyishness, Scout received an enormous erection.

Engineer, who magically evaporated into the room because we need plot progression, pointed to what he was about to tell us about. "Yer room is the last one, doll. For some reason we have a guest room in a war zone with a set number of mercenaries, doll. I don’t know. This is just a fucking story. I don’t fucking care.”

The Girl Who Is NOT Named After A Spy Gun said thanks to Engineer. Then she pulled him aside and talked to him about baseball stuff and how she was literally Scout in every single way before going to her room and writing in a journal about how grateful she was that she had absolutely no sex life.

But what did the _team_  think about The _Girl?!?!?_

Everyone had a mixed reaction. Some mercs said she could fight. Some mercs said she shouldn’t. And some mercs who were French admitted that they were secretly bi and started fisting Sniper. Ha ha, just kidding! This is a _heterosexual_ story!

In the midst of all that discussion, Heavy walked into the kitchen, randomly called her a "Leetle mouse", and then left to eat sandwiches. That's all we needed from him in this story. Thanks, Heavy. Let’s give him a hand, folks.

_(Heavy, you poor thing. This is just for satire, okay? I'm sorry.)_

* * *

The next day the sirens went off for the battle, of course. Also Announcer said something she does in the game before the game starts. Give me a minute to look that up on the Team Fortress wiki because obviously I’ve never played this game before.

“Go Poopy Joe! Kill Vladimir Bananas!” said the Announcer. I should have chosen a more dramatic quote. And not something from sd_doomsday, because they’re not even in sd_doomsday. They're in 2fort. (That’s a map, right?) And since this is my fanfiction, I will spell 2fort in a wacky non-canon way. Like Tewfort! Or Tufort! Or Twoaoeuauxfort!

Anyways The Girl Who Is NOT Named After A Spy Gun was very nervous before her first battle. She was clutching her baseball bat and looking all around the room, very nervously.

“Are you ready to fight, female maggot?” asked Soldier, hitting himself in the head with a shovel. “Maggot maggot maggot.  _Maggot_.”

“Uh y-y-y-yeah I’m ready,  _jeez,_ ” she said, nervously swinging her bat. Suddenly she felt a calming hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Scout. “You can do it,” he said.

“Thanks,” she said quietly. Scout smiled.

Two minutes later she felt a calming hand on her shoulder. She turned around to see Spy. “You can do it,” he said.

“ _GET YOUR HAND OFF OF ME YOU FUCKING CREEP!_ ” she said, swinging up her baseball bat to slam Spy in the nose. He thumped onto the floor and screamed that she was a fucking crazy bitch. That's what he gets for being an untrustworthy Spy! No compliments from you!

Suddenly  **WEEEEEEEEOOOOO WEEEEEEEO WEOOOOO**  wailed the sirens.

The battle was began!!!!!!!!!!!!! Omg  _exciting!!!!!_

She ran to get the intel as fast as Scout, and guess what? She got the intel. She also graphically murdered the BLU Heavy and Medic by jumping on top of Heavy's minigun and twisting both their jaws so hard she _exploded their heads!_ Blood went all over her but she didn’t give a shit! Too cool! Lmao!

Wow she was running with the intel! Can you believe a  _ **GIRL**_  is capturing the intel?!

A girl! What the fuck? Wow! Oh my god! No way! Are you kidding me? A tenth class? No fair! What? That’s insane! Some people actually have vaginas!? And the Mann brothers suddenly decided to withdraw the agreement they have stuck to for centuries!? Wow!

“Way to go Shelia that’s apples mate,” said Sniper as she ran past him and he gave her an enormous thumbs up. Unfortunately, while he did this, he got headshot by a BLU Sniper he had been dueling with so it really wasn’t worth it. And plus she didn’t even notice him because she was too cool.

The other team was so shocked that she was a girl that they didn’t know what was going on in their life and forgot everything they knew about fighting. When they saw her hey spastically shot at the ground. Especially BLU Soldier who was very horny all the time as usual. So when the girl ran past him with her bouncing C-cup titties he made a sexual noise and then shot his Liberty Launcher at his own feet. Thus he rocket jumped into the ceiling, broke his spinal cord, and fell to the floor dead.

“KILLING PEOPLE IS SOOOO EASY,” laughed the girl, running in zigzags to cap the intel. But then, OH  _NO!_

A few intense seconds before she could cap it, the other team’s Pyro  _accidentally_  burned her ass cheeks off! (Accidentally because RACHEL (second time i said her name (because i sort of forgot it (oh look i know what parentheses are(it's parentheses within parentheses(parentheseception(oh lol it looks like her bleeding vagina())))))

What a fail. I was trying to write 'Accidentally because RACHEL is for some reason friends with Pyro and Scout in every story', but I got off-track with all those parentheses-labias. Damn you, literary-devices-that-somehow-erotically-resemble-vaginas!

Anyway, somehow she died forever and no one cared. She died forever because Engineer was fiddle-diddling with technology as usual and pulled the plug out the respawn machine and so that is the scientific explanation for why she died 4evs.

Engineer went to the gathering room in the base and he was like, “Whoops sorry y'all...ah ha ha. I just killed that idiot girl. Hope you don't mind. I solve practical problems.”

And everyone else was like, "Oh. Why did we even need another merc again? I forgot.”

But Scout was like, “I miss RACHEL.” He cried on his pillow for a whole entire two weeks. He was in love with her and her menstruation.

* * *

 Unfortunately Scout took up self-harm, and the story turned excessively dramatic and tasteless, and all the good things about its plot (?) went down the drain. Scout eventually _took his own life,_  which is a serious, triggering theme entirely inappropriate for a silly game like TF2. And it was all just because the author didn’t know how else to end her own idiotic story.

Speaking of ending the story,  **THE END!**

and demoman was on vacation ok?


End file.
